We've been engaged a year and a half. We got engaged at the turn of the century, New Years Eve 2000. He woke me up. I had already fallen asleep, even though I was expecting him to propose, because I had given him an ultimatum. We had already been dating 5 years, and he was going to propose in the summer of 1999. But he never got around to it, and he chickened out a couple of times, too. I found out later, he already had a ring, but he wanted to propose where we love to go camping, at Clear Lake. But he never got around to it, or chickened out, or decided he didn't like the first ring he bought me, and he wanted to return it.

That summer, too, he had just quit his job at the rec center, and he was just going to school. So he didn't have much income, and he wasn't sure about his future and career.

So by the turn of the century, we were living together, and I just felt like, "Either it's going forward or it's not. I'm not going into the century in LimboLand."

So he proposed. It was really sweet. He read a poem he had written, and he had a string tied to his finger which had the ring underneath it. He tied the string to my finger, and he slid the ring from his finger onto my finger. It was really very romantic.

We were going to get married last summer, but things didn't fall into place. He'd never been confirmed, so he needed to go through the Catholic Church and do that, which turns out to be a 9 month long process. He's had to commit to 2 hours, every Sunday, and think about what it means for him to be Catholic and what it means for his future family, and I think it's really meant a lot to him. Then we did the pre-Caana classes, which are 6 months long, and we had to go on an engagement encounter weekend. They really prepare you really well, more than I thought. The weekend was pretty intense. I enjoyed the way it opened up a whole different side to both of us, to be able to discuss things more in depth. I thought, "I really know Fred, we live together," but there were things we found out about each other that we didn't know before. It taught us how to argue fairly, discuss things openly, how to discuss the issue and not all the things surrounding the issue. It's been really good for us in those ways.

We already had solved a lot of things, living together—financial arrangements, budgets, household chores. So for that reason, I recommend people live together before they get married. You find out things about each other. I found out he's extremely neat. He likes all of his socks lined up in color order: black, brown, blue... Everything in the closet is totally organized, whereas I'm not so organized (laughs) I like things clean, but he likes things extremely clean and neat. For example, we have lots of friends with kids, so there's dolls on the floor & playdough on the table. He's had to get used to things like that, that he wasn't used to before. He's got all his albums & CDs organized in the various styles, and then alphabetically, and then by year, so I just don't ever put anything back. I'd never get it back in the right place, so I just leave it sort of in the area. He doesn't get mad, thank God, but he's learned that I'm not going to realphabetize the videos, I don't have time for it.

But then planning the wedding has pretty much all fallen on me to do all the details, everything. He did do the invitations, once I screamed, "I need your help!" The other thing he did, he really wanted to have a Hummer limousine, that looks like a tank, but everything else he was pretty much, "Whatever you want, whatever you want." I wish he had more interest in planning the wedding. He doesn't seem to want to bother his weekends, going around & looking for flower vases, or looking for the right color candles to have on the tables. He's happy to be getting married, and he's happy to be having the party, but he's not into all the little details to have to go into it. It is a lot of work to do it.

He did enjoy shopping for the wedding rings. We haven't gotten his yet, because he has very specific ideas what he wants. He wants a platinum ring, with 2 or 3 diamonds that are set into the ring. We haven't found it yet.

Our parents haven't really had much to do with the wedding planning, I guess because we're in our thirties. Fred's the last one to get married in his family, so it's not such a huge deal anymore, and his parents are so much older, they're in their late 60's, early 70's. They're very easy going, they're already grandparents, they have 5 or 6 grandkids already. Their grandchildren are a lot more the center of their lives than planning another wedding. My parents are definitely interested, but there's a feeling that, "Well, you're on your own, you and Fred are doing it, you and Fred are fine." Now that we're getting close to the date, my mom is getting more involved because this is more her cup of tea. She's a spiritual guide for people in the Catholic Church, so this is kind of her thing, doing masses and ceremonies. So she has a lot of good insights on that aspect of things. Otherwise, she's just like, "Well, okay, whatever's going on, what do you need help with?" Financially, Fred and I are paying every penny of it. That way, our parents don't have any strings attached. If they give you any money, there's always, "Well, we gave you that $5,000 and we'd like you to spend it on bla-bla-blah bla-blah." My mom and dad at first did offer to pay for the dress, and the photographer, and the flowers, but Fred and I just felt that was opening up a Pandora's box. So we just told them, "As grateful as we are, you can just save that as a gift. We're more than happy to take care of the wedding ourselves."

It's not going to be as grandiose as some weddings. We're both kind of simple folks. Fred and I are not into the glitz and glamour. We enjoy barbecues and camping and hiking, and not all that fancy stuff. We'll have 75 or 100 people, it'll be at the Sutter Street Mansion in San Francisco, it's an old historic Victorian, not huge, but it's got a fireplace, and a living room, and a foyer, a really big area where they'll do the cake, and an area for dancing, and a spiral staircase where Fred and I will enter. It'll be a little bit Scarlett O'Hara looking.

So now I'm looking forward to getting married, and going on that honeymoon, and then having my life get back to normal. Fred and I really want to have kids, all my friends have kids, and I'm really ready do that "stay home mommy" stuff. I'm looking forward to getting on to the next part. Fred's going to be such a great dad, he loves kids, and he has a lot of fun with them. We're both just really ready for that.

But the planning has been really good, as much as it's been a lot of work. It's a nice way to prepare for getting married, you constantly have that check and balance that, "Okay, here's the sacredness of the sacrament, here's the commitment, it's coming! So prepare yourself! Be ready!"

When we were getting the marriage license, we did think for a minute, "We could just go on to the next window and get it over with!" But we both like the whole idea of having a Mass, having a ceremony and celebrating that we are entering a new phase in our lives. This is a serious commitment to each other, and we like the idea of celebrating it in front of our friends and family. We want them to be a part of that, because they have been so much a part of our lives. They've seen our relationship change and grow, and having them there only adds to our supportive network and foundation. They'll be there when the times get hard, and they'll be there with us for the joys and the hardships of marriage.

May 2001

Intro & Pics In his words... In her words...

Back to the Interviews Index.
Back to NuMoon Creations home.