Eventually some one nearby will scream, "I can't handle it!" When they do, you can help by offering
this handy list of how to handle things:
- watch The Princess Bride again
- develop a peculiar and irritating laugh
- ask for extra ketchup packets
- take the 12th Amendment
- avoid self-medication—force medications on others instead
- splurge and order a nice appetizer
- what would your favorite Star Trek captain do?
- buy new hubcaps
- ride up to the Observation Deck
- spend nearly a decade writing a scholarly paper on current teen slang
- learn to make erotic omelettes
- mimic things you can't handle, using a fakey British accent
- meticulously strip and refinish your home's drywall
- humanely control garden snails and slugs by hand-picking and gently tossing them over the fence into your neightbor's roses
- put on a show!
- create a new chronic disorder and name it after your boss's boss
- wear hats that are "um, interesting"
- ask your server if they have anything tonight that isn't so damn special
- perfect always saying the wrong thing
- loudly imitate annoying celebrities
- no restroom visit is complete without striking up a conversation with a stranger
- test the firesprinkler system at your place of work
- always interrupt a conversation to invoke the patron god/dess of its subject
- explain to your elevator companions under what circumstances you believe cannibalism is justified
- deconstruct boring dinner conversations
- express life affirmations in negative terms ("This year, I will fail to underachieve!")
- appease the ancestors by burning a tuft of cat fur, 6 times a day
- write cryptic notes in restaurants
- absent-mindedly address your acquaintances by the names of people they loathe
- just ignore it