Cat bites man, ending parrot's shower: Gerard Daigle, 80, lost a pint of blood and required stitches after his cat Touti, a diminutive roughly meaning Tiny, launched a frenzied attack. Daigle, who was giving his pet parrot a shower, inadvertently sprayed the cat with water. Reuters reports that the cat has since been euthanized and had had a troubled past. Cruel Fate orchestrates a tragic drama: the cat had a troubled past, yet still must pay the ultimate price after attacking his master. But what kind of master showers with a parrot? The man's just lucky his wife didn't catch the two of them! Reuters might have reported in more detail about her troubled past, like that illicit mucilage trafficking in old Mindanao. As it was, the cat suffered the death penalty, and moralists still debate whether it will be a deterent against future assaults.

Man drowns in cat bowl: A New Zealand man drowned after falling into his pet cat's water bowl. Peter John Robinson slipped on ice outside his home while feeding his cat Piper. The 28-year-old was found unconscious and face down in four centimetres of water. It is believed he hit his head on concrete as he fell, reports the New Zealand Herald. Reading between the lines reveals the fear in the reporter's heart. "Think about it! Does this sound like a accident to you?" No, of course not. Piper learned that assault is a capital offence, so he skillfully covered up the evidence to make it look like an accident. Incidentally, it's safe to encode messages "between the lines," since studies have demonstrated cats believe everything they read. Most cats think Moby Dick is journalism about a fish (obviously, it's about a mammal), and to this day many cats believe that Lilliputians will be a bountiful new food source for the 21st Century.

Cat orders extra food over the internet: A cat almost managed to order 450 cans of its favourite food on an internet shopping site while its owner wasn't looking. Boris wandered across the computer and caught the number keys to turn six tins of chicken cat food into more than a year's supply. Fortunately his owner, Betty Richards, of Cambridgeshire, realised the mistake before sending the order after noticing her total the bill would be £500. Betty, of St Ives, said: "It was a fluke that his paws hit the right keys," reports The Mirror. Betty's naivety is astounding. It would be a fluke if Boris had ordered 450 cans of a flavor he hated, but no, of course Boris managed to order his "favourite." Do you think there would have been any flukes if Betty had been ordering Home Neutering Kits or Tight Skinny Collars with Bells on Them?

Cat burglars caught raiding neighbouring house: A pair of cats have been blamed for thefts from a house in Charlton. Major Benjie and Georgie were finally caught after owner Elaine Floodgate spotted them raiding a neighbour's home through a cat-flap. She became suspicious after her cats started coming home with goods such as watches and cuddly toys... Local vet Nick Adderley told the Daily Express: "Georgie is the sort of cat you just want to pick up and cuddle but he would probably lift your wallet." Why is local vet Nick Adderley getting involved, when clearly, a 12-Step Program is called for? These cats have serious problems, and their fixation on cuddly toys suggests they aren't getting the affection they need from Ms. Floodgate. (Author's note: I sure wish I had made up the name Elaine Floodgate.) In addition, Major Benjie should be busted to Lieutenant Benjie without delay.

Cat survives being set on fire, then takes revenge: A cat set on fire by three teenage boys not only survived but took revenge by setting fire to their fathers' garages. The boys - all aged 13 - had poured petrol onto the cat's tail outside their homes in an apartment block in Cumpeni in Romania and set fire to it. The terrified cat ran into the garage of one of the teenagers and rolled around trying to put out the flames, knocking over a can of petrol. It fled outside when the petrol exploded and managed to rub its tail in sand, extinguishing the flames. Meanwhile the row of garages, containing cars belonging to all the teenagers' fathers, went up in smoke. The cat's owner said the animal had lost the fur on its tail but otherwise was in good health. By the time the boys' fathers were finished, the 13-year-olds had lost the fur on their tails, too.

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